The photos you see accompanying this post were taken on Easter Sunday, on a daytime cruise in “The Holy Grail,” my ‘56 Chevy 210 sedan that some of you have seen on this blog. Although I rarely drive the car these days due to concerns about its safety in the traffic conditions in my region, this was a special occasion, for more than one reason. My main man Patrick, who was visiting me that day, convinced me to take the car out. The weather that day was beautiful, and we had a nice leisurely cruise around the area, including a drive to beautiful old town Golden for an outdoor snack and a stop @ Red Rocks amphitheater.
Those of you who have experienced tremendous loss in your lives know that grief is like a monster that devours everything: it destroys concentration, sleep, appetite, and joy. It is nearly impossible to find refuge from it, and even when you can, escaping it is usually only possible for short periods of time. This is where I find myself now, as I write these words.
Drag City Raceway has been completely silent for nearly 4 weeks now. There has been no racing, no attention to the diorama, no new legends. There have been some new additions to the slot car collection, but my attention has been elsewhere to the degree that I have been unable to share them here.
On a few occasions, I have stated that there are things that are not appropriate to discuss on a blog about slot cars and toy car collecting. This recent event in my life is one of those things, and going into details would be unlikely to interest my readers. What I will say is that I am currently deep within a chasm of grief resulting from the loss of someone very dear to me, someone for whom the depth and breadth of my love was essential to my happiness.
The grief is compounded by the horrible realization that my own behavior, and the way I handled the situation, is at least partly responsible for the loss. People my age like to believe that we have reached a degree of life experience and maturity that allows us to deal properly with these situations. And yet, no matter how old or wise we think we’ve become, we sometimes find that we can still be thrown for a loop, making decisions that feel right at the time, only to look back weeks or days later with a terrible realization…the kind of realization that leads you to look in the mirror and say out loud to your reflection, “My God, what have I done?”
In relation to Drag City Raceway, this loss requires an enormous number of changes and continuity revisions to the stories that I have built around the track and the cars, revisions that I have neither the strength nor the bandwidth to engage in right now. As for what this means to the future of the track, and of this blog…at this time, I am unable to say.
Make no mistake, dear readers: this is a life-changing event. Nothing is going to be the same now, and I have to recalibrate and redesign all the plans that I’ve been making over the last year and a half. Any of you who may visit this blog regularly know that I have been debating for some time whether or not to leave Colorado – and thus (obviously) my house – which would’ve necessitated the closure and deconstruction of the track. Only a few months ago, I thought that I had reached the decision to stay, and was finalizing the planning stages of the expansion to the track diorama that I’ve been writing about for years.
Now, closing the book on this volume of my life and attempting to open a new one somewhere else is very much back on the table, and probably even likely. However, it’s really impossible to tell. It’s not a good idea to try to make major life decisions in a state like I’m currently in. My efforts now must all be focused on just trying to make sense of what has happened, and in trying to remain functional on a day-to-day basis.
And that is taking all the bandwidth I have. This is why there have been no posts on this blog for so long, and there are unlikely to be for the foreseeable future. I know there must be an end to this darkness at some point; that eventually I will again feel the fun and joy that the activities I blog about here have brought me. But right now, I can’t see it.
SCORE:
- Don Henley “Boys of Summer” (1984)
- Chris Isaak “The End of Everything” (1995)
- White Stripes “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” (2003)
My Easter ended with dinner at my home shared with 2 friends who have stuck by me through the years, through the difficult and challenging times we’ve all had. This served as a reminder to focus on what we have rather than on what we’ve lost. Sometimes that’s difficult, but these days it seems more important than ever.
I hope that you and your loved ones had a good holiday and are still enjoying your own versions of the hobbies this blog is about. I may be back at some point, but as I said above, there’s no way to say when. For now, racing at Drag City, and the blog about it, are on indefinite hiatus while I try to work some things out. As for you, dear readers, hold on to the good things for dear life, and never fail to let your loved ones know that they are loved.
I am so sorry to hear about this. You are right about thinking that when we get older we can handle things better but I know for me there is still a learning curve. Even now it gets pretty steep. I’ve also learned that things that were done can sometimes be undone to put things right. I hope that can be the case here. Let’s talk when I get back to town. Hang in there Bud!